Thursday, March 5, 2009

Line dancing makes me throw up in my mouth a little

Watermelon Crawl - Tracy Byrd

Elements of the modern country music scene have set the south back more culturally than anything since the Civil War... seriously. The Great Depression? We were poor before that... it barely registered on our radar. Evangelical Christianity? The midwest fell victim to that much more strongly than we did.* Not that we particularly care about what outsiders think of us** nor am I suggesting that we should because frankly, a lot of the horrible preconceived notions about the south are manufactured and fostered by our media or other outlets and this doesn't seem likely to change as long as reality T.V. exists. There are some southern stereotypes that we can help fight however... and while I'm not sure which ones would be attacked by what I'm getting ready to suggest, I do know that it would be a very positive step in a positive direction.


We MUST STOP LINE DANCING. Seriously.... forever. No one looks "good" or "mildly intelligent" while doing this. In fact, it makes you look like your pelvis has some sort of horrible malformative birth defect. The Watermelon Crawl sticks in my head as being a particularly obnoxious dance that was ridden straight to _________ *** and it's stupidity is truly unparalleled in this set. Don't agree? Here's a sample lyric: "She rocked back on her heels dropped down to her knees, Crawled across the floor then she jumped back on her feet, She wiggled and she giggled beat all you ever saw, Said this is how you do the watermelon crawl." Now, putting aside the actual act of this partial birth abortion set to steel guitar we also must consider the damage that the outfits involved in such a thing cause.

Here's the thing douchebag... you're not a cowboy. Sorry to tell ya but they don't exist anymore and haven't for decades. If I walked around dressing like a milkman or a soda jerk on any day other than Halloween I would probably get arrested and committed to an insane asylum because milkmen and soda jerks don't exist anymore. So let's bury this cowboy thing okay?
Go ahead and play Watermelon Crawl one more time just to purge it from your system forever... I'll wait.
Okay... it's over. Done.

DRINKS RATING: 8/10... avoiding a ten because it would actually be really funny to watch me line dance.

*For those of you that don't buy this, watch the documentary Jesus Camp and try not to give yourself a lobotomy afterwards.


*** not sure what the word I need is... fame? fortune? brutality?

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