Monday, March 2, 2009

Like a dry body heave set to music...

Our next series, inspired by what will surely be a great Charleston, SC summer wedding hopefully devoid of most of these songs will focus upon songs that teach/spawned dances. Given the fact that I rather enjoyed the quick hits format of the last post, I will be trending more toward that shorter format.

I will be rating these on a 1-10 scale based on the number of drinks that it would take to actually get me to dance to the song.... Without further ado....

Casper Cha-Cha Slide - Casper

Ne'er have mine eyes experienced a sight quite as terrifying/exhilarating as the summer exodus into the aisles at Bluefield, WV's Bowen Field at a minor league baseball game of morbidly obese mountaineers as they stumbled out of their jelly sandals over the remains of funnel cakes and bottles full of their eighty pound boyfriend's skoal spit to bless the world with the greatest gift given since the French gave our United States of America the Statue of Lib... nigh since the LORD gave the world his only begotten son our SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. What might have caused such a colossal mammalian migration?* That my friends would be the opening hand claps of... wait for it... the Cha Cha Slide. I hate this song on a level that I can't articulate with words or actions or pictures or anything else for that matter. The problem isn't in the fact that it makes SO many white people dance but rather HOW it makes the cracker hordes of the world dance. Watching a room full of buzzed wedding guests/bowling alley patrons/baseball fans try to "cha cha real slow" is part of the world that I'm guessing the Virginia Company of London was envisioning when they began violently settling the lands of/uprooting people of color across North America. I can see it now:

John Smith: We wish to learn much from your kind Chief.
Powhatan: We will be gracious teachers if you will be gracious learners
John Smith: Great!! Let's start with the cha cha, I'll need to know it for a wedding.
Powhatan: Oh fuck.

Final Rating: 10 drinks out of 10

*reaction to a rumored appearance by Burt Reynolds?

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